There is a lot of talk about mindset these days. Change your mindset, change your life. It sounds straightforward until you find yourself having the same argument, anticipating the same disappointment, or talking yourself out of something you want. You can recognize a pattern and still find yourself repeating it.
As a transformational life coach, I see this often. People want something to change, yet the ways they think, what they believe, and how they make sense of the world keep bringing them back to a familiar place. Sometimes they can see it clearly. Other times, a belief has been with them for so long that it feels like a fact. “That’s just how things are” can become the end of a conversation that deserves more curiosity.
Sometimes that belief sounds like, “People only care about themselves,” or “Speaking up won’t change anything.” We may have experiences that help explain why we believe these things. But when we begin expecting every new situation to follow the same familiar script, we can overlook opportunities for something different.
Our brains have the capacity to change throughout life. Experience and learning can shape the connections that support how we think and respond. That capacity, known as neuroplasticity, makes change possible, but it does not make change easy. A familiar response can come quickly, especially when we are tired, overwhelmed, or afraid. Practicing another way takes attention and repetition.
Perhaps you often think, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.” You take on more, ask for less help, and become frustrated that everything falls on you. When someone offers, you may find it difficult to trust them to follow through. The belief keeps you carrying the responsibility while leaving little room for anyone else to contribute.
One way I invite clients to explore their own patterns is by looking at the difference between a “to me” mindset and a “by me” mindset.
From a “to me” perspective, our attention stays on what other people or circumstances are doing to us. We may find ourselves thinking, “It’s not my fault,” “They need to change,” or “There’s nothing I can do.” Sometimes we have real reasons to feel hurt, frustrated, or powerless. The difficulty comes when we can no longer see any choices available to us.
A “by me” perspective brings our attention to where we have influence. We begin asking, “What am I assuming? What matters to me here? What conversation am I avoiding? What could I choose next?” We recognize what happened and take responsibility for what we choose to do next.
We don’t choose every circumstance we find ourselves in, and we can’t control how other people behave. We can decide how we want to respond. Even a small choice can open up a possibility we hadn’t seen before.
Curiosity is essential to this work. It asks us to loosen our grip on being the person who already knows and become someone willing to learn. Can I see this another way? Can I listen without preparing my defense? Can I notice my part in a recurring pattern without turning that awareness into another reason to criticize myself?
Commitment matters, too. Something we discover in a coaching conversation can feel meaningful, but change happens as we put it into practice. We make the request we would usually leave unspoken. We pause before responding. We set a boundary and notice what comes up when we hold it. Then we reflect, adjust, and try again. This is how what we learn becomes part of how we live.
I believe this work can help us experience less resistance and unnecessary suffering. When we become more flexible in our thinking, we have more ways to meet a difficult moment. We can spend less energy insisting that things should be different and more energy deciding how we want to respond.
This month, I invite you to notice one place where you feel stuck. Listen for the explanation you keep giving yourself, especially if it sounds like, “That’s just how things are,” “They’ll never change,” or “There’s no point in trying.” Then ask yourself: “What am I treating as a fact that might be an assumption? What is one choice I can make from here?”
In 2027, I’ll be offering The Power to Transform: Changing Your Patterns, Expanding Your Possibilities, a two-hour course where we will explore these ideas more deeply and practice bringing them into everyday life. If you are ready to examine familiar patterns and discover more choices within them, I would love for you to join us.
